Friday, December 16, 2016

IM tired

I’m tired of life.
The constantly fighting back, pushing away or pulling in,
like the waves that hit land crashing and spilling out I'm tired of constantly counting my tears instead of sheep’s,
I’m tired of constantly grasping onto the rope that’s not there and never will be there.
I’m tired of holding onto things that are not there or never will be there,
Holding on is hurting more than letting go.
I can’t continue starving for happiness
I can’t continue asking for the water
Water to make me cry
Water to get rid of the itchiness and dryness in my throat
Water that is supposed to get rid of the anxiety
The anxiety that balls up and continues to pull you in…
I was so stupid..
Stupid enough to let it take over,
To let it pull me in like waves,
I was stupid enough to let these fears reach me,
To not fight back when I constantly should
I’m tired of being tired
I’m tired of hiding behind a smile,
But am I really stupid enough to believe that
You care
You love me
You trust me
You won’t tell
Am I that stupid to believe all these lies
I am tired of all these lying, backstabbing, hurtful words
Constantly fighting back
A new civil war
Holding me back from another adventure
You broke all your promises
Holding on to me
Is hurting more
Then letting go of me
Trying to pull me back in
It’s not worth trying
You’ll hurt me Like You hurt everyone else

Battle Scars

(From my brother’s gages point of view, Glad to hear you are doing better I love you)


I lay awake at nights
Counting the stars before morning
I once heard that each star represents a dead person
What if I was one of those stars
I already have tubes
Tubes in my heart
Pumping my blood while they stick needles in my back
Poison in my body
Fighting to keep me alive
The scars forming
The bump on my chest
The bump where my battle scars show
No more tight shirts
No more shirtless swimming times
People stare
No more hair
No strength left
Shrinking, Becoming lighter
Pills, Drugs, Liquids
I was once called a baby
Called a baby for having no hair left
I didn’t ask for these words
I didn't ask to have Leukemia
Those words replay in my mind
I didn’t ask to be dead
I wanted to be happy
That was all I asked…
But these battle scars...
Stay forever...
Maybe I am stronger
Stronger inside
Stronger because Nobody would trade spots with me
When I’m older I’ll tell my kids
It will be okay
You are stronger than you think
While I cover my battle scar with my hand

Monday, November 14, 2016

Random


So I was scrolling through my suggest youtube music. I found one that interested me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7U50sKgdp4)   I clicked on it and cried listening to his voice, it's so soft and calm it makes me feel safe. It made me think about everything including life. I finally wasn't confused. It was his voice that made me happy, made me who I am. It helped me think about my friends, helping me realize who are my true friends. Half of them not true. I started listening to other covers, he makes the song have a different meaning, He makes them happier, safer, and more understandable. here is a few examples

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6kVoYfbA58
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LQWj3Ycjrg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7U50sKgdp4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG42ZOWHkK4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5Fy_WwROlY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw7DWbZFQ_0

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Poem For Someone




             I felt your hands touch mine so gently,  The butterflies in the pit of my stomach, The scramling for words and the uncontroable heartbeat the Soft and warm or was it just me everything stopped for a second until time had split us apart, I felt tingles for as long as I could remember I feel them still to this moment I wish I could say the words in my heart that are currently unspoken, still so much ahead of us, many years. Those years would go by faster with you, it seems that without you by my side holding my hand they go by slower, I felt like I had found my Mister Right until the day I dread when you are not there. I dread the day when you say you don't love me and never did. For now we may not be together now, we might never be together in the future but what hurts about being friends or even more? I'm still young so are you we are unpredictable. Maybe things would change maybe not now but in the future at some point. I'm trying to say I love you.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Dear Shawn Mendes



      Dear Shawn,
                             I know you might not see this, or even bother replying, but its worth a shot. I love you. I spend all my time watching interviews and edits. Your voice gives me a bit of hope. When I see you smile, I can't help but smile. Your looks aren't all that matter, I love your weird, weird personality but honestly same. I have both albums, I believe that it may not be now but in the future, I might actually meet you. I may not be able to meet you now but that doesn't stop me, I have one but smile. Your looks aren't all that matter, I love your weird, weird personality but honestly same. I have both albums, I believe that it may not be now but in the future, I might actually meet you. I may not be able to meet you now but that doesn't stop me, I have one of the magazines you are in. I know a lot of people say they like you for your looks which get on my nerves. I know you aren't here physically but mentally and in my heart, you will remain. I cannot begin to express how I feel. When my friends tease me by saying you suck I honestly get so so so upset, I have had have people call me names. But to be honest I did not care because you were still there, somehow. I don't know how to put anyone else in your position because it would be a hard. You are so much more than what you are on the internet. No one can make two of you, you're so funny, kind, special, important, talented, beautiful 😂, anyways you are the reason I have a heart. You make me happy, I have been through a lot, these past few years. My parents divorced (because of me...that's not the point), my brother was cured (sorta...I don't know) he goes in for chemo but he used have leukemia. I don't see 3 of my brothers. I see my older brother You inspire me. When I'min my room planning to kill myself or wanting to do self-harm, I just start singing "A little too much" then it instantly makes me happy again. I wouldn't trade anything for you. Without you, I would be heartless. You are my heart. You are my mind. Without you, I would be failing everything. I love you. Everything that you are, Everything thing, What you are now, What you will be in the future, and everything else. Buttttttttt I have to say "Daddy" though. Anyways if I ever met you I would be the one to cry, the one who doesn't want to go, the one who would go through anything for you if I could. I always have ya on my mind, you never leave. When I wake up, you are there, when I go to school you are there, even when I go to bed. You never leave my mind. It takes a lot to realize that I love you SO much it hurts. I cry sometimes. I pretend to be a singer because I want to be like you. You are my hopes and my dreams. It is a lot to take in and I know that But never ever EVER give up please....for me, for every other girl and boy that likes you. I love you muffin boy.


-Sophia Winchel
Instagram: @basketballcrazy45 Twitter: @basketballcrazed4



Monday, October 24, 2016

Never good enough



   Do you know how it feels? To never be good enough. Good enough of a Daughter, a sister, a student, or even a friend. Everything you do ends up hurting yourself or hurting others. The pain is too much. The feeling of being so tired of feeling worthless and feeling like you have no purpose.

     I feel that every single day. I'm tired of trying, I always think it's time to give up, It seems no matter what I do or no matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough, and I'm always wrong. Always being. I always look happy, Right? Telling jokes, smiling, having a great time...dying inside. I'm hurt. And tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of never being enough. I don't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking. So I kept it all inside. I act like everything is perfect but I cry myself to sleep. I stand in the shower regretting being alive.

    I want to live and love recklessly, fly higher, drive faster, feel too deep and act on things in spite of fear. I want to be out of control, laugh to no end, meet more weird people, make memories when I'm least expecting, settle less, and see things that are beautiful and unusual. Taste new foods, and fall in love with as many things and people as possible. I wanna learn, and question more things, because oh my god, our time is limited and good is never enough.


But oh my god I still feel worthless, stupid and never good enough. I need help. But I will never get some.

My Favorite Songs (links)



"Little do you know" Written by Alex and Sierra.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-lp2bejhm4
This song connects to how much I miss the past. I have no idea why. My parents got a divorce not too long ago.

"Like That" Written by Jack and Jack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmjeusPlWx8
This song, in particular, doesn't connect to anything  I can relate to. I like the beat of this song. (Jack Glinksy is hot, so is johnson)

"Roses" Written by Shawn Mendes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdM4sLIAjs8
I like this song because I can relate to how much people confuse you. How many times they make you feel like that they don't like you but at the same time they do. Confusing right?

"I'll stand by you" I enjoy the cover by glee star Cory Monteith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eett8Gr5vU8
I enjoy Cory's song. R.I.P, also I enjoy this song because I love my family and it's dedicated to my family from me.

"That should be me" Written by Justin Bieber ft. Rascal Flatt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1drAZayIJ1k
This song makes me feel so many things. I feel like this goes out to certain people, these people that make me happy just by looking at them. They make me forget all the bad things by smiling or say one simple word, "Hi". (I wish that happened more often.)

"Get it right" Song cover Rachel Berry glee (Lea Michelle)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw6C4HTfng0
my favorite quote is "what can you do when your good isn't good enough"



Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Dear Kelsey



     Dear Kelsey,
          There is so much ahead of you. You have such a bright future, You're smart, You're talented. Sometimes I wish I was just as talented as you. No matter how much you say you love me, and miss me sometimes I dont believe you. I realize you are graduating this year, You have a new girlfriend, You finished a movie and you have school. But it does not stop the feeling of losing you. Because I have lost half of my family. I lost half of me. Now I have a huge feeling that losing You, Maya, Hannah, and the rest of the family. Because I dont see you it reminds me of Gage and Dylan. Brothers I lost. I always get this feeling that one day you will stop. Stop missing me. Stop loving me. That you will just forget I'm here. It all gains up and up into a ball of confusion and stress. The anxiety forms. I start crying, Everytime I see your face, Everytime I think your name. Its all like one sad story. Except...Ours was diffrent. It was happy at some point. I dont know how to describe how it hurts. My heart just breaks, the heaviness of it just collapes. I figured it out. You are my weakness. Everything else makes me happy. One day Im gonna disapper because seeing you carries so much pain. How do I deal with anxiety. What do I do. I told you I was fine, You said "no you're not" then you hugged me. I stopped crying for a second, I felt safe for a second. Then as soon as you left I started crying and crying, why does it hurt. It would hurt just as much seeing Gage and Dylan. Its like Im scared you are gonna walk out of my life, and leave me there to die.




                                                                                             -Sophia Winchel




Monday, October 10, 2016

The Quotes...Why they mean so much to me




    "Don't worry about those who talk about you behind your back, They are behind you for a reason."
This one means a lot to me because a lot of people aren't afraid to give me their opinions whether they are hurtful or not. Whether it be behind your back or to your face.

   "Never love anyone who treats you like your ordinary."  
I like this one because I used to be treated the same by my EX-best friend. She caused so much drama about my other best friend she got all jealous.

  "Never let a stumble in the road be the end of a journey."
I love this quote because as everyone knows I have a huge obsession with Shawn Mendes, and it's always been a dream to meet him. I hit so many bumps. But I never gave up.

   "I saw that you were perfect and I loved you, Then I saw you were not perfect and I loved you even more."
This means a lot because this goes towards my crush.  I thought he was perfect, his eyes were so pretty and his smile brightened any rainy day. Then I saw some of his flaws and began liking him even more.

 "It's not the future you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious."
I also like this one because all of the people rely on the past to create their future, When it's not the past that's affecting it its the present.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

dear daddy

(written a few years ago I believe 2010)



                 Daddy...
You left. You left me with your wife...She hated me. You chose her over me but I forgive you because I love you, daddy. I missed out on all the dances and happiness. I cried every night for three straight months. I was so tired. Not physically but emotionally. Everyone pushed me into motion little by little. Step by Step. Is it me or do I need to snap? I need to go away from smiles but even farther than miles. Tired of running from all my fears so soon they will turn into tears. I felt and looked happy painted on by you. You tell me you're the puppeteer, pulling the strings to my feelings. Everyone says that love hurts...But that's not true. Loniless Hurts, Rejection hurts, everyone confuses these things with love, In reality, Love is the only thing in the entire universe that covers that pain and makes us feel amazing again. But recently I feel no love. In the morning my eyes will not rest you are on my mind it's making me stressed, Do you really love me like you say you do? or is it to just help me with tough things. I question my sanity more than you think when I'm alone in the midst of the dark its all I think. You keep me at peace without you I'd drown. But why do I smile when I should cry. no matter how hard I try I can get rid of the pain. Its like you can't escape it, You can push it away but it will eventually come back. That's how you are to me, you are the pain that won't go away and no matter how hard I'll always be there...but only in my mind. I miss you, daddy, I need you...If you knew the pain I feel when I'm not with you when I'm supposed to be and I'm thinking all day about YOU daddy, about how you broke my heart before any boy had the chance to. Which then again never makes the pain go away. The pain you put me through I hope you never feel because the pain makes you not wanna feel. Oh, how do I miss when you would wipe my tears. One day I was dropped. Out of your mind, out of your heart and out of your car. I hope you are happy and satisfied, I really do. I want you to be happy, I want you to know I would rather bare the pain you feel. I would break these walls down in our way. If that's what it takes. I want you to be happier. With Gage, Dylan, Chasyn, and Dakota. I love you daddy. I will always love you.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Based On "Love letters To The dead"




                    Dear Grandma Lynn,

                         I miss you, grandma, I don't know why you left so soon. I have so much to share. I just turned 13. It feels indescribable. I love it a lot. It would be better if you were here. Anyways, Mom got married to an amazing stepdad. We have Ups and Down but at the end of the day, i wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my sisters and my brother Kelsey has grown so fast that it makes me emotion all over again, I'm proud of him. He's so handsome and talented but he is a brat. He is the best brother I could've asked for. Hannah has grown so pretty. I love her more than anything. Yes, she can be the world's biggest brat. I still love her. Always will. Maya... I can't start with how pretty she is. She is amazing too I love her food. We've had differences but still. Dakota? Not much to say. My dad was married then got divorced, I don't see two of my brothers anymore. It's depressing I cry a lot about it more than anyone could imagine. Anywayyyyssss, I started basketball a while back, It was the only thing that could get you off my mind. I enjoy it a lot now. It's my favorite thing ever, well other than music and writing. OH MY GAWDSH. I'm in love with this singer. Shawn Mendes. I cannot explain how much he means to me. DO NOT LET ME CONTINUE. Also got a crush on someone <3.  I got to go to Hawaii last summer. It was amazing, The views were the best, I finally got to go parasailing. It was amazing, It felt like I was  flying away from all my fears forgetting everything, Not focused on anything but the present. It was the best feeling. Now I know how you feel. With your angel wings flying around above. Back to me. I love all my teachers this year. Also, my friends are literally my life. I wouldn't trade them to have Hillary and trump out of the election (actually I don't know yet ;) JKJKJKJK ) That was mean of me. I love Lorna, Willow, Heaven, Reagan and Corinna so so so much. I could go on and on but I want you to go back to flying above everyone and being happy. See you in the next letter







                                                                                                 -Sophia Winchel



Thursday, September 22, 2016

Self Destruction Rant




               I hate the way people say your never good enough, think about it would you tell the younger version of you that, You hate way your body is shaped? You're too Fat? You hate your freckles? Or you hate your eye color? Your eyebrows are not perfect? Or your Acne is horrible? I might sound cheesy but I'm about to be honest, I look around and I hear the way everyone hates on themselves, But in reality any Guy/Girl would be lucky to have you. Each and every one of you are beautiful. We have Flaws. Nobody would complain about how Tall or Short or The way you look. I see the way others tear others down hoping for satisfaction to themselves. Deep down you feel guilt you look up and watch them walk away while they are dying inside or they are crying already. Your heart breaks just a little bit more. Self destruction could ruin the world. Self destruction could end life's. The way they hurt themselves be cause of too much hate. I looked around and I heard "I'm Ugly." or "Look at me I'm ugly" But in reality people look at you and see the beauty god has created. Everyone is perfect. Self Destruction could end someday, start friendships that last a life time. Stopping Self destruction could make you happier. People continue with "My Stretch marks are ugly." "The bags under my eyes are too dark." You don't realize the same innocent kid inside you that you said was beautiful is still you. Your still you. That same young beautiful kid is inside you. You are Beautiful, everything about you is PERFECT. It always will be. I sound cheesy but everything what I said could effect you and the way you look at yourself. Stop being destructive and be confident.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Seeing Things



      Right now all I see is the blackness of the seas, The darkness so deep I couldn't breathe, I knew that moment I knew how I fell in and drowned.
      I saw the way the others suffer beneath, their own tears, I see the scars they leave on there arm every time they match that blade to their skin.
      I see the way the tears stream down their faces as they look around dying from thirst, confused not knowing how to deal with themselves.

      I see it all


      I see the way the others among us smile, but as deep down inside they are crying begging for help as they try to escape the blackness of their hearts.
      I see the way their heart breaks every time someone makes a promise then breaks it, leaving all those memories behind
      I see the way they feel emptiness at two in the morning finding their way back to the blade letting each drop of blood count how many people hurt them.



    I see it all


    I see the long sleeves on summer days to hide the scars on their wrist from the battle their emotions made confusing that person
    I see the way they push away each person that enters their life but in reality they want that person in their life. They don't want them to leave
    I see the way they stare into blank space slowly breaking little by little while no one notices and continues their daily life's


   I see it all


   I see the way there eyes get droopier and droopier because they can't sleep, while every memorie that hurts replays in their mind
   I see the way the memories haunt a tortured soul, A soul that is ripped to little pieces, Peices  shattered with sharp peices, edges that stab a broken heart
   I see the way the heart can never be healed the mind they are again lost in, memories that caused all these broken hearts



   I see the way they stay trapped in the past lost in memories

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Love vs Heartbreak



Love-Heartbreak

      Those moments when you
unknowingly give your heart to the one you know you love, The feeling, that feeling of those butterflies in the very pit of your stomach almost tickling your soul, until they ease in your mind...

      The smile which graces upon the world, reaching your eyes when they are near. The glow you show for all mankind to see, which brightens when they touch you with that gentle rush. The warmth and protection you would feel as you snuggle closer into their arms. The places you share every single moment together. The joy you give each other to make sure you are both pleased evenly. The nights you two laugh at randomness, just to see each other smile.

      The day you could watch T.V, not saying a single peep. Yet one makes sure the one who is near is Comfortable, The holidays you make a toast of white juice, over the candle that flickers for you guys. The three words you utter occasionally, making time stop and stand still. To never feeling alone because the hearts beat for each other. The time tears only fall when forever is placed on a finger...The dreams you two shared for each other; to bid a future that harnesses true love


That Is Love

---------------------------------------------


Heartbreak-Love

   

     The anxiety that something is wrong, when words are no longer enough for each other to say, the harsh words that leave the mouth replacing kind words and scare the butterflies away. The end of smiles as frowns and lines of worry are born.


     The glow that dies into depression, as your skin turns pale, and your eyes lose there shine. The coldness on your back as they move to the opposite end of the bed. The separation you want so you get some time alone so they can search for new memories. The gift ends because the care and love is no longer there. The nights you spend in completely different reason. The days you watch TV on the ground as othe other is on the bed browsing the computer.

 

    The holidays spent away at a family's house, wondering what the other is doing. These lovely three words die off into three other words. The heartbeat which was strong once upon a time, now beats painfully slow each night, The time throughout the day tears fall for no reason. That comes with nightmares that plague you till your become ill.



That is Heartbreak