Monday, October 24, 2016

Never good enough

   Do you know how it feels? To never be good enough. Good enough of a Daughter, a sister, a student, or even a friend. Everything you do ends up hurting yourself or hurting others. The pain is too much. The feeling of being so tired of feeling worthless and feeling like you have no purpose.

     I feel that every single day. I'm tired of trying, I always think it's time to give up, It seems no matter what I do or no matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough, and I'm always wrong. Always being. I always look happy, Right? Telling jokes, smiling, having a great time...dying inside. I'm hurt. And tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of never being enough. I don't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking. So I kept it all inside. I act like everything is perfect but I cry myself to sleep. I stand in the shower regretting being alive.

    I want to live and love recklessly, fly higher, drive faster, feel too deep and act on things in spite of fear. I want to be out of control, laugh to no end, meet more weird people, make memories when I'm least expecting, settle less, and see things that are beautiful and unusual. Taste new foods, and fall in love with as many things and people as possible. I wanna learn, and question more things, because oh my god, our time is limited and good is never enough.

But oh my god I still feel worthless, stupid and never good enough. I need help. But I will never get some.

My Favorite Songs (links)

"Little do you know" Written by Alex and Sierra.
This song connects to how much I miss the past. I have no idea why. My parents got a divorce not too long ago.

"Like That" Written by Jack and Jack
This song, in particular, doesn't connect to anything  I can relate to. I like the beat of this song. (Jack Glinksy is hot, so is johnson)

"Roses" Written by Shawn Mendes
I like this song because I can relate to how much people confuse you. How many times they make you feel like that they don't like you but at the same time they do. Confusing right?

"I'll stand by you" I enjoy the cover by glee star Cory Monteith
I enjoy Cory's song. R.I.P, also I enjoy this song because I love my family and it's dedicated to my family from me.

"That should be me" Written by Justin Bieber ft. Rascal Flatt
This song makes me feel so many things. I feel like this goes out to certain people, these people that make me happy just by looking at them. They make me forget all the bad things by smiling or say one simple word, "Hi". (I wish that happened more often.)

"Get it right" Song cover Rachel Berry glee (Lea Michelle)
my favorite quote is "what can you do when your good isn't good enough"

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Dear Kelsey

     Dear Kelsey,
          There is so much ahead of you. You have such a bright future, You're smart, You're talented. Sometimes I wish I was just as talented as you. No matter how much you say you love me, and miss me sometimes I dont believe you. I realize you are graduating this year, You have a new girlfriend, You finished a movie and you have school. But it does not stop the feeling of losing you. Because I have lost half of my family. I lost half of me. Now I have a huge feeling that losing You, Maya, Hannah, and the rest of the family. Because I dont see you it reminds me of Gage and Dylan. Brothers I lost. I always get this feeling that one day you will stop. Stop missing me. Stop loving me. That you will just forget I'm here. It all gains up and up into a ball of confusion and stress. The anxiety forms. I start crying, Everytime I see your face, Everytime I think your name. Its all like one sad story. Except...Ours was diffrent. It was happy at some point. I dont know how to describe how it hurts. My heart just breaks, the heaviness of it just collapes. I figured it out. You are my weakness. Everything else makes me happy. One day Im gonna disapper because seeing you carries so much pain. How do I deal with anxiety. What do I do. I told you I was fine, You said "no you're not" then you hugged me. I stopped crying for a second, I felt safe for a second. Then as soon as you left I started crying and crying, why does it hurt. It would hurt just as much seeing Gage and Dylan. Its like Im scared you are gonna walk out of my life, and leave me there to die.

                                                                                             -Sophia Winchel

Monday, October 10, 2016

The Quotes...Why they mean so much to me

    "Don't worry about those who talk about you behind your back, They are behind you for a reason."
This one means a lot to me because a lot of people aren't afraid to give me their opinions whether they are hurtful or not. Whether it be behind your back or to your face.

   "Never love anyone who treats you like your ordinary."  
I like this one because I used to be treated the same by my EX-best friend. She caused so much drama about my other best friend she got all jealous.

  "Never let a stumble in the road be the end of a journey."
I love this quote because as everyone knows I have a huge obsession with Shawn Mendes, and it's always been a dream to meet him. I hit so many bumps. But I never gave up.

   "I saw that you were perfect and I loved you, Then I saw you were not perfect and I loved you even more."
This means a lot because this goes towards my crush.  I thought he was perfect, his eyes were so pretty and his smile brightened any rainy day. Then I saw some of his flaws and began liking him even more.

 "It's not the future you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious."
I also like this one because all of the people rely on the past to create their future, When it's not the past that's affecting it its the present.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

dear daddy

(written a few years ago I believe 2010)

You left. You left me with your wife...She hated me. You chose her over me but I forgive you because I love you, daddy. I missed out on all the dances and happiness. I cried every night for three straight months. I was so tired. Not physically but emotionally. Everyone pushed me into motion little by little. Step by Step. Is it me or do I need to snap? I need to go away from smiles but even farther than miles. Tired of running from all my fears so soon they will turn into tears. I felt and looked happy painted on by you. You tell me you're the puppeteer, pulling the strings to my feelings. Everyone says that love hurts...But that's not true. Loniless Hurts, Rejection hurts, everyone confuses these things with love, In reality, Love is the only thing in the entire universe that covers that pain and makes us feel amazing again. But recently I feel no love. In the morning my eyes will not rest you are on my mind it's making me stressed, Do you really love me like you say you do? or is it to just help me with tough things. I question my sanity more than you think when I'm alone in the midst of the dark its all I think. You keep me at peace without you I'd drown. But why do I smile when I should cry. no matter how hard I try I can get rid of the pain. Its like you can't escape it, You can push it away but it will eventually come back. That's how you are to me, you are the pain that won't go away and no matter how hard I'll always be there...but only in my mind. I miss you, daddy, I need you...If you knew the pain I feel when I'm not with you when I'm supposed to be and I'm thinking all day about YOU daddy, about how you broke my heart before any boy had the chance to. Which then again never makes the pain go away. The pain you put me through I hope you never feel because the pain makes you not wanna feel. Oh, how do I miss when you would wipe my tears. One day I was dropped. Out of your mind, out of your heart and out of your car. I hope you are happy and satisfied, I really do. I want you to be happy, I want you to know I would rather bare the pain you feel. I would break these walls down in our way. If that's what it takes. I want you to be happier. With Gage, Dylan, Chasyn, and Dakota. I love you daddy. I will always love you.