Wednesday, October 19, 2016
There is so much ahead of you. You have such a bright future, You're smart, You're talented. Sometimes I wish I was just as talented as you. No matter how much you say you love me, and miss me sometimes I dont believe you. I realize you are graduating this year, You have a new girlfriend, You finished a movie and you have school. But it does not stop the feeling of losing you. Because I have lost half of my family. I lost half of me. Now I have a huge feeling that losing You, Maya, Hannah, and the rest of the family. Because I dont see you it reminds me of Gage and Dylan. Brothers I lost. I always get this feeling that one day you will stop. Stop missing me. Stop loving me. That you will just forget I'm here. It all gains up and up into a ball of confusion and stress. The anxiety forms. I start crying, Everytime I see your face, Everytime I think your name. Its all like one sad story. Except...Ours was diffrent. It was happy at some point. I dont know how to describe how it hurts. My heart just breaks, the heaviness of it just collapes. I figured it out. You are my weakness. Everything else makes me happy. One day Im gonna disapper because seeing you carries so much pain. How do I deal with anxiety. What do I do. I told you I was fine, You said "no you're not" then you hugged me. I stopped crying for a second, I felt safe for a second. Then as soon as you left I started crying and crying, why does it hurt. It would hurt just as much seeing Gage and Dylan. Its like Im scared you are gonna walk out of my life, and leave me there to die.