Friday, December 16, 2016

IM tired

I’m tired of life.
The constantly fighting back, pushing away or pulling in,
like the waves that hit land crashing and spilling out I'm tired of constantly counting my tears instead of sheep’s,
I’m tired of constantly grasping onto the rope that’s not there and never will be there.
I’m tired of holding onto things that are not there or never will be there,
Holding on is hurting more than letting go.
I can’t continue starving for happiness
I can’t continue asking for the water
Water to make me cry
Water to get rid of the itchiness and dryness in my throat
Water that is supposed to get rid of the anxiety
The anxiety that balls up and continues to pull you in…
I was so stupid..
Stupid enough to let it take over,
To let it pull me in like waves,
I was stupid enough to let these fears reach me,
To not fight back when I constantly should
I’m tired of being tired
I’m tired of hiding behind a smile,
But am I really stupid enough to believe that
You care
You love me
You trust me
You won’t tell
Am I that stupid to believe all these lies
I am tired of all these lying, backstabbing, hurtful words
Constantly fighting back
A new civil war
Holding me back from another adventure
You broke all your promises
Holding on to me
Is hurting more
Then letting go of me
Trying to pull me back in
It’s not worth trying
You’ll hurt me Like You hurt everyone else

Battle Scars

(From my brother’s gages point of view, Glad to hear you are doing better I love you)

I lay awake at nights
Counting the stars before morning
I once heard that each star represents a dead person
What if I was one of those stars
I already have tubes
Tubes in my heart
Pumping my blood while they stick needles in my back
Poison in my body
Fighting to keep me alive
The scars forming
The bump on my chest
The bump where my battle scars show
No more tight shirts
No more shirtless swimming times
People stare
No more hair
No strength left
Shrinking, Becoming lighter
Pills, Drugs, Liquids
I was once called a baby
Called a baby for having no hair left
I didn’t ask for these words
I didn't ask to have Leukemia
Those words replay in my mind
I didn’t ask to be dead
I wanted to be happy
That was all I asked…
But these battle scars...
Stay forever...
Maybe I am stronger
Stronger inside
Stronger because Nobody would trade spots with me
When I’m older I’ll tell my kids
It will be okay
You are stronger than you think
While I cover my battle scar with my hand