Thursday, May 11, 2017

darkness


The darkness always has a light
Just like the night sky has the moon
or
How space has the stars
or
I have you
You are everything to me
My light
My happiness
You are so so much more than that pretty face
You're a smile waiting to be seen
You're a laugh waiting to be noticed
You're a heart waiting to be held
I see so much more than you think I do
I've noticed the days where you are quiet
The days where you can't focus and stare at the walls
The days where you tap your foot waiting for school to end
The days where you just aren't you
I'm not imagining it, I know I'm not
I saw your light trying to break through the steel wall of skin
I saw it
Maybe I can be your darkness
Maybe you can be the star instead

Just humans


We are just humans.
Nothing special, nothing important.
We all die eventually
I never got why suicide is so important
You just kill yourself
Ending it before your actual death was
Ending it because you can't deal with life any longer
Ending it because it's gonna end someday anyways
What's the point of love
They are going to give up on you at some point
There is no one in this entire world
That will actually stick around for longer than 2 years
It sucks it really does
Falling for someone who will never
EVER
Love you back
Why does it matter if we are just humans
Nothing important or special 
We kill ourselves but it doesn't matter
We die anyways 
When you kill yourself you are just ending it sooner

Friday, April 14, 2017

Mr Galmish


I just want to thank you.
I'm very sure you are my all time favorite teacher.
You supported me through my writing
Encourage me to keep writing

On days I felt trashed and horrible
You would ask me
"Are you okay"
Most days I wasn't
Somedays I was ok
Sometimes you believed me
Other times not so much

Most other Language Arts Teachers
Didn't encourage and supported me as much as you
Which is why I let you read more of my writings
Then most people
Maybe
Corinna, Dezi, and Torren
Read as much as you do

I usually say my writing is written by stories I've heard
Some of it is
Most of the time it isn't

Thank you
For
Being a friend and caring
Most people don't

They don't listen
They don't care

But you did
You're different

Thank you, Mr. Galmish

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Mistakes


We all seem to make them
Some are good and some are bad
They say you learn from them
But we keep to make them
We hide under a smile in public
We allow those who walk by us to think
"Oh they seem perfect"
"Oh well at least you don't make these many mistakes"
But deep down below there is still a child
Who is lying to your face
Lying about being happy and Ok
Whoops
That was a mistake
It was all a mistake to cry to bed at night
To add a million scars you already have
To smile
When you weren't supposed to
To not ask for help
To not try hard enough to become a better person
But when you do finally ask for help
When you finally let go
Release it all
Mistake again.
"You are just seeking attention"
"You are lying"
"I don't care"
"Why are you telling me again?"
Soon you crawl back into that dark hole
You go back
To all that is black
You pretend again
Lie again
Sooner or later you constantly
Zone out
Stare into space and break little by little
No one sees
But inside you are dying
Hell
You are already dead
Your tears are dried up
You are not able to create
The production of water
That comes from your eyes
It just stops one day
Your heart stops
Your blood stops pumping
Your mind stops functioning
Your body stops moving
You are suddenly 6 feet under the earth
People wonder
"What Happened"
"Why did she do this"
"I wonder why she would do something like this"
"She was perfect. Why?"
Except for the people she
Opened up to
Vented to
Released unto
They know why.
They just didn't care
They ignored you and pretended it was all a lie
They acted like
You weren't worth it
That it was all a joke until
Someone dies
It's all a joke until
It's too late
Hell
It was all a mistake for them
You weren't the mistake
Their mind was
Their heart was
Not them in general
Just the way they thought
The way they cared
That was the mistake
NOT YOU.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Nature Vs Humans


Have you ever noticed
how when it rains
the world seems to be
down
or when its sunny
the world seems to be happy
like not a thing can hurt you
you can look up
and see the beauty of
the birds chirping
the flowers glisting
the roar of rushing water
you can see all beauty when its sunny
what about when it rains
no one looks around
to see all
beauty
the rainbow that shines
the puddles that glisten
the trees that rustle
in a way
humans are nature
when its sunny we smile
people say you are happy
they find the beauty in your smile
your eyes
however ythey dont notice
when you cry
you cry because you care enough
so find the rainbow
find the beauty in there tears
the beauty in pain
in sadness

They Say They Don't know


They Say
You're perfect
They don't know that we aren't perfect we are our
They say
Makeup means you're insecure
They don't know that we aren't insecure we just enjoy makeup
They say
You are too fat
They don't know we look in the mirror everyday tears in our eyes wondering what we did so wrong we look up and down at ourselves and wonder how to change we stick our fingers down our throats to throw up stand up in the mirror wiping our tears and the sweat noticing we haven't changed a bit
They say
You are too skinny
They don't know we try to eat as much as we can try to gain some weight 110, 111, 112, 113
They say
You're too dumb to get this
They don't know we try we have a tutor WE TRY OUR BEST
They say
You're a nerd
They don't know we will be the ones with the best jobs you might work for us "nerds"
They say
You aren't good enough
They don't know we fight everyday for perfection we want to fit in and be what people want we want to be what people love to be modern
They say
You cut for attention
They don't know we hurt like hell we have blades to cope with what we feel because HUMANS are the reason we have scars we have scars because of the hurtful words you makeup that the words hurt more then the cuts on our wrist

The Moral of this?
To make you think twice about what you say, to show you that what you say may not hurt you but it hurts someone else. We are the reason that people are hurt. We are the ones who need to change our hearts. not them.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

It doesnt matter pt 2


I'm tired of always wanting to make others happy
when I'm so focused on others that I forget that my feelings exist
Am I really a good person?
Am I really that person they say I am.
Am I really what they say?
I once believed that I was good enough
until I met him
One or Two people know of him
I thought I could trust him
I vented to him
How do I believe he cares?
Before him I believed in myself
It doesn't matter anyways
I have to be on top.
I get jealous easily.
It bothers me when I'm not strong enough for them
I feel worthless like nothing I say matters
I feel that the tears that are collected in my pillow don't exist
I don't sleep
I can't sleep
I lay in my bed listening to my parents arguing
I cry for them
I watched my step dad walk of the bathroom
I entered to see blood on the counter
I looked at him and cleaned it up
I walked out one time
My mother had punched my step dad in the nose
as he tried to light her on fire
I'm tired of everything I see and her
I'm tired of having to say goodbye to my father on sundays
Its not enough to see him for a day and a half then leave
I need more
I cant do this
I carry on longer I try holding on and I try to hold a smile on my lips
I act like nothings wrong
I look around and look at people who look through me and feel as I don't exist
But why would it matter if I did or did not exist in the first the place
The world still spins
My friends wont cry for me they would not even care
NOBODY understands how much I care
I put their feelings before mine
I act like my feelings aren't there
Truth is I get happy when I make others happy
But I beat myself up when I mess up
I look at the one girl who gets everything I have ever wanted
I have never wanted to be on top so much before
But its tiring being at the bottom
It doesnt matter though


Thursday, March 9, 2017

It doesnt matter pt 1

 The footprints behind me on the path I came from
The puddles you see in the ground are the tears I shed
The oceans are the tears I cried for others
The trees are the walls I built between myself and my family
When the trees fall so does my wall
The earthquakes are my anger
The Mountains are my notebooks
The clouds are the words that remain in the notebook
The Grass are the feelings I feel everyday
The dirt are the scars on my arms my legs my back from human contact
The sky stands for every day smile to hide what I go through
I am human
I'm tired of hiding under the skin I hide in
I try and try
I try to make others smile
even if it means to make myself stop smiling
I am tired of feeling nothing
Feeling like I am nothing
I am so sick of feeling like Im not good enough
I cant even begin to explain how exustied I am when I compare my talents to others
And it all ends up to be nothing
Nothing to be able to hold onto
It seems as everytime I grab onto something my fingers slip
Like i'm not strong enough to grasp onto something
Like i'm not strong enough to hold onto something that makes me happy
It hurts you know
When you try to forget but it creeps back into your soul and doesn't let go
When you try to forget that your father forgets about you
When he says he doesn't want you
Or
When Im told Im better than this
Truth is IM NOT
This is me and if you cant except that then leave
just like everyone else does
create more anxiety to creep
anxiety that follows in public making it scary to speak in front of people
making it scary to mess up
making it feel like your'e a freak to ask for help
Making it seem that your friends hate you
that they talk behind your back
the feelings that the anxiety makes you feel.
Maybe
Just Maybe
it will
stop one day
All of it
The praying that it will get better, the hoping that it will stop and that there will be a purpose for every human
The fear that shakes within the body of a teenager
and tells you that it wont get better
The voices in your mind screaming and cant seem to escape
The voices telling you to give up
They tell you to hurt others
They tell you that you arent good enough
They tell you that no matter what your good is
That your good is never good enough
Thats what it is
Sorry I will go now
Sense it doesnt matter


Shawn isnt Ordinary


Shawn Mendes
Most people think he is just a teenage popstar who everyone adores
They think that all he does is sing words that aren't even his
They think that he sounds like a fimilar singer
But what they don't know
Is that
He smiles for us
He writes his words
He loves us
No not convinced yet?
He made us smile
He made us cry
He made us confused
He made us feel
Still not convinced?
What if I told you
That everything we do is
Influnced by Him
If you arent convinced yet then I dont know how to convince you how much he means to me.

Love


I hear your voice and all I seem to hear is 'Go Away'
I love you to my death
I love the musical voice
No matter how many times you hurt me
I will always come back
No matter how many tears I shed
I will always die a bit inside
No matter in what way you hurt me
I will always love you
Love is what causes pain
Love is what causes tears
Love causes all the moments you argue who is right and who is wrong
Love will drive you crazy
I promise it will

10 things about Hailey


1. Shes Pretty
2. Super nice
3. She listens to my ranting
4. She understands
5. she will fight me or for me
6. She is sooo trustworthy
7. Never will you have a better friend
8. She always smiles
9. She puts others before herself
10. She is the most amazing person you will ever meete

BONUS

11. SHE SMELLS EDITABLE


I WUVV U

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Me being rude


My mother once told me that god had put You here and put all your situations here for a reason….That reason was because you were strong enough to knock them down and overcome them, and no matter how old you get, your always going to have problems no matter how big to small. Well hold on….Mine was a big influnce on my life, but on my brothers too. It all started 3 years ago. My brothers and I. Dylan, Gage, Dakota and Chasyn. It was on a halloween night. Everyone was celebrating and we had a big bouncy house/Slide, and everyone decided to go down it. “ME FIRST!” I screamed the entire way down. I was extremely nervous, the slide was about 15 feet high. So my thoughts were scattered, I decided to go down. The wind in my face felt good, and when the ride was over, my hair was a tangled mess, and i had a burn on my upper thigh, from the rubber. It took me a minute to catch my breath. I climed of the slide and balance  onto my feet. Just about 15 seconds later, I heard another scream. I looked over to see...Dakota swooshing down the slide. I forced a laugh and looked away. He sorta embarrassed all of us. With his cubby stomach/face, the amount of food he took from the bar. None of us understand why he was like this. But I noticed goose bumps on my arms, I did not realize I was this cold.  So I went into the Bouncy house/Slide, and grabbed some pizza and some pop. I then began to my seat next to my dad, to sit and eat. When everyone was done, we went back outside and waited “So whatcha thinking about sissy?” I looked down to see my 5 year old brother Dakota talking to me. “Nothing, just about how I’m going to finish all this candy,” I looked at him and sent a fake smile “OKKKK! But you better not steal mine!” I looked at him and Mumbled a few words I didn’t even understand. “No worries, I will,” I looked away waiting for Gage to get down the slide. “NOOOO….SISSY! I thought you loved me?” I looked back at him my face turning red...Yeah right like in a million years. I thought of a quick lie and responded with “Just eat your sucker.” I looked away.

Humans and Glass


What if humans are like glass
We can break at the right time
All it takes
The right person
The right words
The right feelings
We are like glass because you can see through our eyes
We are like shattered glass still holding itself in place
But one punch to the heart to break
But we are also art
We are stained
The colors of our emotions
our past
our future
We are the glass barrier
to the rose of happiness
But once the glass breaks
our rose dies and we lose all our happiness

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Questions We Wont Know


How many times do we cry
before someone admits they aren't saying bye
How many tears do we save
before a tidal wave comes and destroys all that is around
How many screams does it take
before someone says it will all be ok
Do we constantly
try but never can seem to fly away
Do we constantly
fall like a broken heart does
How many broken hearts look at the
stars and count how many shine brighter than the others
Or is it just society
stuck in a dark hole where are feelings get sucked in
Is it just reality for so many people?
Probably a reality for so many people who want to escape
into a dream land
But these are just questions
That will never be answered

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Problems

I see a problem,
a beautiful beautiful mistake waiting to happen
a storm of rage upon
a rainbow in the ending
the perfect story that is only pretending
a lion in his cage waiting to be let go
to release his anger upon those
a heart trapped in a chest
trying to beat its way through
eyes in an ocean
trying to see through the darkness
a new story waiting to begin
trying to write every word along the way
a voice that is hidden
trying to sing his way through
I see a problem
a boy so beautiful
his lion was released
his heart still beating
his eyes shine bright
his story that began
his voice already sung
in a one thousand page story
now tell me
tell me how a problem so perfect
be something you could fall in love with
but please my perfect problem tell me what has to be done

Monday, January 9, 2017

Breathe

Breathe they said
Breathe was once a suggested option
But can we really breathe
Breathe all the toxic air
Breathe the air that poisons your lungs
Making it that you can’t breathe
You can’t breathe
Listen to them
Hear their point of view
But can you listen
Listen to the words that hurt
Listen and Believe
Believe they said
Believe in what’s not there
Believe in the strength that pulls
Options that constantly hurt
You know how each person has a hurt
The hurt that goes away for a while
But eventually it comes back to torture you
That’s the way everything is to me
But honestly
Can you do things if they all hurt
Hurt you?
But not only hurt you
But kill you
That kills you inside
Can you really do those things?  

Battle scars

(From my brother’s gages point of view, Glad to hear you are doing better I love you)

I lay awake at nights
Counting the stars before morning
I once heard that each star represents a dead person
What if I was one of those stars
I already have tubes
Tubes in my heart
Pumping my blood while they stick needles in my back
Poison in my body
Fighting to keep me alive
The scars forming
The bump on my chest
The bump where my battle scars show
No more tight shirts
No more shirtless swimming times
People stare
No more hair
No strength left
Shrinking, Becoming lighter
Pills, Drugs, Liquids
I was once called a baby
Called a baby for having no hair left
I didn’t ask for these words
I didn't ask to have Leukemia
Those words replay in my mind
I didn’t ask to be dead
I wanted to be happy
That was all I asked…
But these battle scars...
Stay forever...
Maybe I am stronger
Stronger inside
Stronger because Nobody would trade spots with me
When I’m older I’ll tell my kids
It will be okay
You are stronger than you think
While I cover my battle scar with my hand