Wednesday, March 15, 2017

It doesnt matter pt 2

I'm tired of always wanting to make others happy
when I'm so focused on others that I forget that my feelings exist
Am I really a good person?
Am I really that person they say I am.
Am I really what they say?
I once believed that I was good enough
until I met him
One or Two people know of him
I thought I could trust him
I vented to him
How do I believe he cares?
Before him I believed in myself
It doesn't matter anyways
I have to be on top.
I get jealous easily.
It bothers me when I'm not strong enough for them
I feel worthless like nothing I say matters
I feel that the tears that are collected in my pillow don't exist
I don't sleep
I can't sleep
I lay in my bed listening to my parents arguing
I cry for them
I watched my step dad walk of the bathroom
I entered to see blood on the counter
I looked at him and cleaned it up
I walked out one time
My mother had punched my step dad in the nose
as he tried to light her on fire
I'm tired of everything I see and her
I'm tired of having to say goodbye to my father on sundays
Its not enough to see him for a day and a half then leave
I need more
I cant do this
I carry on longer I try holding on and I try to hold a smile on my lips
I act like nothings wrong
I look around and look at people who look through me and feel as I don't exist
But why would it matter if I did or did not exist in the first the place
The world still spins
My friends wont cry for me they would not even care
NOBODY understands how much I care
I put their feelings before mine
I act like my feelings aren't there
Truth is I get happy when I make others happy
But I beat myself up when I mess up
I look at the one girl who gets everything I have ever wanted
I have never wanted to be on top so much before
But its tiring being at the bottom
It doesnt matter though

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